Reclaiming Sex

Do you know your own body? What turns you on (and off)? Where (and how) you like to be touched? What you do (and don’t) find pleasurable?

Or do you approach an intimate experience with a partner from the standpoint of it being their responsibility to magically know how to please you without having that information yourself?

Often, because of the socialization we receive — specifically for those of us socialized as women — we’ve been taught to distance ourselves from (and even dissociate from) our bodies to the point that we make it our partners’ job to find out what works for us.

And when we place those kinds of expectations on our partners without having the baseline knowledge for ourselves, we can easily get caught up in blaming our partners for our lack of pleasure, accusing them of being universally “bad in bed.” Or the reverse — assuming we’ll never experience the heights of pleasure like we did with that one magical person because we attribute all the glory to their skill and talent.

But the reality is that it’s YOUR job to know what works for you. And what doesn’t. And it’s YOUR job to communicate with your partner to let them know what you know.

If you don’t know your own body, my homework for you is to engage in some self-exploration. That can absolutely be masturbation, but it doesn’t have to be. It can also include exploring self-touch while showering, putting on lotion, getting dressed, and going through your skincare routine.

What feels good to you? What speed, type of motion, and pressure do you find most pleasurable?

Make note of this information and take it into the bedroom with you. You might just find that your experience is heightened because of it!